So I've been reading two blogs a lot lately.. LapBandGal and blackgirlsguidetoweightloss both of them have given me more inspiration the last few days. The Lap Band one offers support, ideas and a place to see I'm not alone with the struggles that I face with my LapBand. The other is full of articles, and recipes and other stories that are all about health, and wellness but not from a doctors perspective but from someone else who has done what I'm trying to do. Some would say that if she wasn't black I wouldn't read it, but I don't think that's true. I like her because she's real, and honest, blunt but that she offers knowledge not just opinion she gives facts as well. She backs up what she has to say with the truth and THAT is something that I can stand behind.
So todays blog is on my thoughts in my head the last couple of days. I finally made it to the gym yesterday and i admit it felt pretty good, so much that I might just go today (depending on the weather and CPR) although I'm not sure what work out clothes I have with me, I'm sure I can make something work. I got on the scale last night and I'm down 3 more lbs to 289. I'm sad that I let my self gain back some of that weight but I'm down 6lbs since the start of the new year, that has to be good right? I was almost back to 300 a place I swore I would never be again. I was in therapy for a while and maybe I need to go back but for now (no insurance) I don't foresee that happening for a while. But while I was in therapy I realized where my problems with food started. I'm not blaming my mother, but I do know that her actions enabled my actions and I am the one who has to live with my choices and I'm the only one that can change my situation.
When I was younger my mom used to tell me I was fat, but the way she did it made me NOT want to do anything about it. I would ask her for lunch money, she would say no, I could stand to skip a meal. Years of being denied food, made me a food hoarder. I would eat all the food I could when offered because until i could pay for my own food I had no control on if we would have groceries or not. Or I would have to dig in the couch for change to go buy a can of ravioli (all you can really buy for $1.25 at the corner store). I knew I was heavy, and getting on the birth control shot added to that even more so. But someone constantly nagging at me, and calling me fat, and putting me down didn't make me want to loose weight it did the opposite, I just ate my feelings. Didn't help that classmates called me names too but when i looked for support, I looked to my family and they did just the same, it sure didn't help things. I Know that *I* made the choice to eat *I* made the choice to not work out *I* made the choices that kept my weight up and *I* have to accept that but it still hurts to realize that I didn't have support. It wasn't until i got on a scale at a yearly physical and I was 301 that I was like $!!!!. Then i started trying to loose weight.I worked out daily, and still wasn't loosing weight because my food habits were so bad, so I joined WW and then i dropped 100 lbs.. obviously I gained that back and then some, and Now i am back on the loosing path since having surgery.
I look back at pictures ( I'm only down 70 lbs) and I'm like WHY didn't anyone tell me I looked like that? But you're right the way someone tells you or brings it up is the only way you will ever accept it. It has to be the right time moment and person. Obviously my mom was not the right person.. but I often wish my sister, my brother, my close friends would have said something to me sooner.
That being said, I'm glad I do have the support system I have now, My Loving Luke who measures food with me, who measures what he uses when he cooks for me, who gives me a look when i reach for something i shouldn't have. My sister who is always there when I need to talk, Patricia who is my long distance weight loss buddy, Gina who is always there to offer support and to talk when I need her. Joele who never judges and adores me just the way I am. And Jessica, who listens to me rant and blab for hours even tho we haven't met yet :) I Am thankful to have you guys in my life right now <3
6 lbs in 11 days.. means that I can do this, I just need to stick to the plan, drink my water measure my food, and hit the gym. I have Dance tomorrow so even if I don't work out tonight I have that. Monday since I'm off work I'm going to go to the gym too, next week I am aiming for 3 work outs.. one at home, one at the gym and dance class.
I know I had something else I was going to write about, but now I have forgotten...
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<3 you sister, Sometimes I think I didn't say anything along time ago because I thought you knew, and that being said I didn't want to rub salt...I love you at your worst and the weight gain or loss is not important to me. Your mental and physical health however is! I think you are the most beautiful person on the outside as well as inside. And I just want you to keep up the good work!!! Nothing beats a try...You can do this I believe in YOU!!!
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