Well it's kind of my friday today. I have to go put in some time at my dad's house on friday morning, but it's my last day in the office here. Tomorrow I have to go into permar and fill out paper work and all that start a new job nonsense :) I am going to be on their butts to get them to schedule me so that I'm all set to start ASAP.
Still applying for 1049234324532 jobs, but no luck yet on anything else that pays more. I'm excited for this new year. 2011 has been pretty damn crazy. It's had some great highs like graduating, Florida, Meeting Luke, Jojo buying a house, but this year started awful and ended pretty bad too Hopefully next year is better
I just took a walk with Wylie and Zeke to the post office and my legs are thrumming from the walk. It has Been FAR too long since I've worked out but it felt great! I'm going to need to really start kicking it up a knoch, I know I always say it but damn it I need to just do it. It sucks because I know it feels good, and I know how good it is for me but I don't know why it is so damn hard to get my self motivated to start, or why I allow my self to stop doing it for that matter. I mean I'm paying for a gym membership, my trainer AND a eliptical at home, and I'm not using ANY of it.
So tomorrow i go in to get my IUD, I'm a little nervous, i hate that they don't just know what will happen i know everyone reacts differently to things but damn it I need a break so i need this to work for me and my body and make it all better. I want to feel normal again!!!
That's all she wrote.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Twas days after Christmas..
With all the fun, excitement and craziness of Christmas it's been a few days. I'll try and go from topic to topic and not jump around too much. Well thursday I went in to take my application in at PerMar and pretty much got the job on the spot, I should hopefully be working security with Gina at Thrivent. I have to take all the stupid tests, drug test, back ground, I need CPR, First Aid and to become licenced as a security guard in Mn. So well after the start of the new year, but it's a start at least.
The same day I went to P.P and talked to a DR about an IUD. I am excited to try this new thing and get started, hopefully get back to where I used to be with all of that. Less side effects than the shot and safer than just the pill. *Crossing fingers* I have no bad reactions and don't get pregnant before I'm 30, I know ME saying not til I'm 30. I want a kid yes, but I don't want to Push Luke into kids too soon before he is ready to have them. So I'm hoping that this IUD will help with all of that.
Saturday I had Christmas with Jojo & Luke and the cats. We went and saw Chipwrecked, and then came back to the house and had dinner(or lunch) that I made ( Ham, potatoes, mac n cheese and broccoli with Cheese Cake), and we opened presents and watched football. It was lovely. I got lot's of fun stuff, got all my goodies from Tampa Bay and some new shot glasses. Then Luke and I went to see his Gma for a little bit and hung out with his family while Jojo caught some Z's and then back to the Ice Castle for some more games and a movie with Jojo, Sy & Shawna. They brought over more presents so we opened those as well.
Then Christmas Morning I spent time with Luke's family, had cinn rolls and a nerf gun fight and opened presents and took some pictures (with my new camera). And thne Luke and I went back to his place to open presents alone together. We watched Christmas Movies and then He sent me on a Christmas Scavenger hunt! It was fun!! And it ended at my prize (last present) which was a lovely TV for my Bedroom :) Later that evening we went bowling with his family (his brother is a sore winner AND looser).
All and all it was a pretty good holiday, probably one of the best ones I've ever had.
That night I had a horrible dream and I refuse to put into words and woke up VERY sad and yesterday was just kind of a blah day after that. We did make some tasty steaks for dinner (Thanks to a recepie from Kenya) we watched Crazy Stupid love (Which is a great movie if you haven'ts een it) and then we watched private practice and played trivial pursuit (which made me feel dumb) and then we went to bed, as I had to get up for work today.
It was a long weekend filled with ups and downs. So many changes happening right now and I just don't know how to f eel any more. I feel guilty for not missing my mom more, especially when my brother misses her so much. I know I should be happy being happy but sometimes I look at my brother and I feel sad because he's not happy. I want him to find happiness so much, but I don't know how to help him. It's said one finds happiness when others are happy and I think that part of me needs Jojo to be happier so that I don't feel guilty for my happiness.. does that make sense? Who knows no one reads this anyway.
Alright that's all the insights I can stand for today... until then..
The same day I went to P.P and talked to a DR about an IUD. I am excited to try this new thing and get started, hopefully get back to where I used to be with all of that. Less side effects than the shot and safer than just the pill. *Crossing fingers* I have no bad reactions and don't get pregnant before I'm 30, I know ME saying not til I'm 30. I want a kid yes, but I don't want to Push Luke into kids too soon before he is ready to have them. So I'm hoping that this IUD will help with all of that.
Saturday I had Christmas with Jojo & Luke and the cats. We went and saw Chipwrecked, and then came back to the house and had dinner(or lunch) that I made ( Ham, potatoes, mac n cheese and broccoli with Cheese Cake), and we opened presents and watched football. It was lovely. I got lot's of fun stuff, got all my goodies from Tampa Bay and some new shot glasses. Then Luke and I went to see his Gma for a little bit and hung out with his family while Jojo caught some Z's and then back to the Ice Castle for some more games and a movie with Jojo, Sy & Shawna. They brought over more presents so we opened those as well.
Then Christmas Morning I spent time with Luke's family, had cinn rolls and a nerf gun fight and opened presents and took some pictures (with my new camera). And thne Luke and I went back to his place to open presents alone together. We watched Christmas Movies and then He sent me on a Christmas Scavenger hunt! It was fun!! And it ended at my prize (last present) which was a lovely TV for my Bedroom :) Later that evening we went bowling with his family (his brother is a sore winner AND looser).
All and all it was a pretty good holiday, probably one of the best ones I've ever had.
That night I had a horrible dream and I refuse to put into words and woke up VERY sad and yesterday was just kind of a blah day after that. We did make some tasty steaks for dinner (Thanks to a recepie from Kenya) we watched Crazy Stupid love (Which is a great movie if you haven'ts een it) and then we watched private practice and played trivial pursuit (which made me feel dumb) and then we went to bed, as I had to get up for work today.
It was a long weekend filled with ups and downs. So many changes happening right now and I just don't know how to f eel any more. I feel guilty for not missing my mom more, especially when my brother misses her so much. I know I should be happy being happy but sometimes I look at my brother and I feel sad because he's not happy. I want him to find happiness so much, but I don't know how to help him. It's said one finds happiness when others are happy and I think that part of me needs Jojo to be happier so that I don't feel guilty for my happiness.. does that make sense? Who knows no one reads this anyway.
Alright that's all the insights I can stand for today... until then..
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
In the blink of an eye..
Everything can change. You make one choice, to get out of your car and help someone, and now a life and many others around have been completely changed. I'm not allowed to discuss all of what is going on, but I really hope that something good starts to happen.
This week has been a week of hard truths, life changing moments, fear, anger, sorrow. There have been good things, new babies born, the sun rises and sets and allows me to still continue to live, and breathe..but I don't know how much more sadness that I can take. I try to see the silver lining, I’m trying to let go of some of the dark and let in more of the light but right now, this moment, this hour.. it's HARD. Why is it that this year has to start and end with such tragedy? Not to say that all of the things that have happened this year are bad live changing things, but most of them were.
They say things come in three’s: My mom passing away, being, unemployed and now Keith’s accident. I thought we were done with the bad, the sad. But there had to be that last bad thing. The good; I’m still alive and fairly healthy, I met Luke and I graduated College. All of those are life changing events, it used to be I thought things had to directly happen to you to be considered life changing. I guess that’s just one more lesson I needed to learn this year.
This week has been a week of hard truths, life changing moments, fear, anger, sorrow. There have been good things, new babies born, the sun rises and sets and allows me to still continue to live, and breathe..but I don't know how much more sadness that I can take. I try to see the silver lining, I’m trying to let go of some of the dark and let in more of the light but right now, this moment, this hour.. it's HARD. Why is it that this year has to start and end with such tragedy? Not to say that all of the things that have happened this year are bad live changing things, but most of them were.
They say things come in three’s: My mom passing away, being, unemployed and now Keith’s accident. I thought we were done with the bad, the sad. But there had to be that last bad thing. The good; I’m still alive and fairly healthy, I met Luke and I graduated College. All of those are life changing events, it used to be I thought things had to directly happen to you to be considered life changing. I guess that’s just one more lesson I needed to learn this year.
When something big happens in your life or to someone close to you it will change you. We all need to change, to evolve into what we were meant to be, I just really wish it didn’t take so many tears to do it.
Monday, December 19, 2011
My Weekend Recap
I always hate when great weekends come to an end. Friday was a little rocky, but it smoothed out by the end of the day. I got to meet Gina's new guy which was good, he's nice and JP thought she knew him and it drove her nuts until she figured that out, which just made me laugh even harder, cause I'm the same way. Luke and I spent the evening getting ready for the Party on Saturday which was fun too :) The party went well I was happy all of my friends came out, and met some of Luke's Friends too! Played some games and some rock band, good food it was fun! I let Luke open one of his presents early and it was an R2D2 bot- it's a droid that dances, and patrols, man it was SO much FUN!!!! http://www.facebook.com/v/10150539042096015
Sunday we relaxed a bit, more good food, watched a movie, got xmas cards done and went out to eat. It was a fun and exciting weekend!!! :)
Nothing profound to say today So I hope you all have a great week! It's almost Christmas!!!
Sunday we relaxed a bit, more good food, watched a movie, got xmas cards done and went out to eat. It was a fun and exciting weekend!!! :)
Nothing profound to say today So I hope you all have a great week! It's almost Christmas!!!
Monday Madness
I had a great I dea for a blog entry and then one text message can change everything. A friend of the family was in an accident last night. He tried to help someone on the side of the road and was hit by a drunk driver. He suffered two broken legs, a broken shoulder and currently has blood clots in his brain. His life has been forever altered and I swear we can not loose this man. He isn't a perfect man but he is a hero to his children. What the paper doesn't say is that he has children, two of which suffered the loss of their mother early in their life and now their father's hangs in the balance.
I am not one to pray, to believe, but in this case I KNOW we need some extra love, prayers, and wishes. We need this Christmas Miricle today this week, soon. PLEASE do not let BOOZE take the life of someone who has so much life left to live. He is only 37 years old, he has 5 children, and many years to life yet.http://www.startribune.com/local/stpaul/135852363.html
I am not one to pray, to believe, but in this case I KNOW we need some extra love, prayers, and wishes. We need this Christmas Miricle today this week, soon. PLEASE do not let BOOZE take the life of someone who has so much life left to live. He is only 37 years old, he has 5 children, and many years to life yet.http://www.startribune.com/local/stpaul/135852363.html
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Graduation
The worst thing about computers is when they decide to be jerks. I had a very nice blog that I had started to write and now it’s gone. So we will try this again.
I graduated last night, which is an achievement all in it’s self but I graduated with my bachelors in Criminal Justice. It took me just shy of 4 years to do it with a 3.2 GPA.
I struggled a lot in the last two years with my mother battling cancer, I my self had surgery and had to recover from that.
When I was at my mom’s service it dawned on me that Her Mother passed away just before she graduated, my Aunt passed away just before Akua graduated, and my mother passed away just before I graduated. That is a trend that I hope to break the cycle on. Last night was one of those moments where I missed my mother. I know that when I get proposed to I will miss my mother, I know that when I get married, I will miss my mother, I know when I find out I’m pregnant for the first time, have the showers, the ultra sounds and when I give birth to my first child.. I will miss my mother. But I also know that My mother would be proud of me and that is something to hold onto.
So I have a job interview today, the first of many I’m sure on this goad after graduation. The first thought that comes to my mind is.. WHAT DO THEY WANT. What is it employers want to hear when they ask you questions. For instance they always ask “Why do you want this job, or why do you want to work for this company” I don’t think I interview well. I know I meet the qualifications, I dress nice but then it’s like is the pony tail to casual, or is my hair okay? I see people all the time that look crazy at interviews and it works. I have no idea! Do I really WANT this particular job, no but is it a good job, that will give me experience and help me on my way , yes. I just fear that they are looking for a lifer and I don’t want to be an office staff person for the rest of my life.
I graduated last night, which is an achievement all in it’s self but I graduated with my bachelors in Criminal Justice. It took me just shy of 4 years to do it with a 3.2 GPA.
I struggled a lot in the last two years with my mother battling cancer, I my self had surgery and had to recover from that.
When I was at my mom’s service it dawned on me that Her Mother passed away just before she graduated, my Aunt passed away just before Akua graduated, and my mother passed away just before I graduated. That is a trend that I hope to break the cycle on. Last night was one of those moments where I missed my mother. I know that when I get proposed to I will miss my mother, I know that when I get married, I will miss my mother, I know when I find out I’m pregnant for the first time, have the showers, the ultra sounds and when I give birth to my first child.. I will miss my mother. But I also know that My mother would be proud of me and that is something to hold onto.
So I have a job interview today, the first of many I’m sure on this goad after graduation. The first thought that comes to my mind is.. WHAT DO THEY WANT. What is it employers want to hear when they ask you questions. For instance they always ask “Why do you want this job, or why do you want to work for this company” I don’t think I interview well. I know I meet the qualifications, I dress nice but then it’s like is the pony tail to casual, or is my hair okay? I see people all the time that look crazy at interviews and it works. I have no idea! Do I really WANT this particular job, no but is it a good job, that will give me experience and help me on my way , yes. I just fear that they are looking for a lifer and I don’t want to be an office staff person for the rest of my life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Weight Loss
So i'm talking with my coworker about weight loss and gain, diets and such. She and I have much of the same problem. I'm mad at my self really, I paid $5000 on a surgery and I'm not doing what I need to do to make it successful. I know I need to work out, I have an eliptical, a gym membership AND a personal trainer that I'm paying for and I'm not doing any of it. I'm taking dance class but not going as much as I should.
I need to find the motivation, I need to cook, bring lunches, I need to eat better, stop craving junk food. I'm at least taking my vitamins again, but I need to do what I am supposed to be doing. I need new recipies, I need support, I need HELP. Apparently the surgery alone isn't enough and I just have no idea. I can't go see my surgeon as I don't have 200$ to pay for a visit.. stupid lack of insurance.
I have a lot of down time now since I'm done with school, and only working 20 hours a week.
I need to stop drinking during the week again and cut back silly calories, I need to stop drinking Soda (but Cherry Dr Pepper is SO good)....
oye.
I'm 282lbs.. I have 102lbs to go until I reach my long term goal...
Marilyn was a size 14/16 which is now considered plus size.. that is my Ideal Goal Size :)
I need to find the motivation, I need to cook, bring lunches, I need to eat better, stop craving junk food. I'm at least taking my vitamins again, but I need to do what I am supposed to be doing. I need new recipies, I need support, I need HELP. Apparently the surgery alone isn't enough and I just have no idea. I can't go see my surgeon as I don't have 200$ to pay for a visit.. stupid lack of insurance.
I have a lot of down time now since I'm done with school, and only working 20 hours a week.
I need to stop drinking during the week again and cut back silly calories, I need to stop drinking Soda (but Cherry Dr Pepper is SO good)....
oye.
I'm 282lbs.. I have 102lbs to go until I reach my long term goal...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Past Present and Future....
It's interesting how things don't go as planned in life. Once upon a time I would of been mad and had a horrible weekend because nothing went as planned. I am very glad to be past that stage in my life because now I am able to see that not all change is bad and enjoy living in the moment. :)
Friday I went to pickle for a bit and then went with Luke to see his old friends as the coached wrestling. I'd never been to a wrestling match before that wasn't something that I ever did in high school. So it was fun to watch something new and learn about something I didn't know about. We had dinner after and watched a movie and crashed. It was nice to be able to sleep in. Now that I'm getting up in the mornings now I miss sleeping in.. just a little bit lol.
Saturday I spent some time with Kenya and she did my hair. Then Luke and I went to see A Christmas Carol. I knew the baseline for the story, but it was nice to see it and learn all about what it was that happened. It also is the reason for this blog. (More Later)
And today was just a day of relaxation, silliness, and basically blissful.. despite the loss of all the teams I wanted to win in foot ball today :)
Now, Most people think you should leave the past behind you, live in the present and wait for the future. But if you solely live in the present you will never see past it. For instance when I was a teenager all I thought about was concerts, movies, and fun. I didn't care that I was blowing $25,000 a YEAR on NOTHING. Concert Tshirts, road trips, movies, partying.. I have NOTHING to show for the fact that I have had one or more jobs since I was 16 years old. I lived in the moment. Now as an adult I am able to look at that and realize that .. yes you should live in the moment but you should look forward and NEVER forget your past or you will be doomed to repeat it.
Scrooge was punished for his past bad deeds, shown that karma does catch up to you and told he would have to wear chains in his after life.. I've done bad things, I've been a not nice girl so I would like to take a moment to say a few things: Sy.. You are truly the best friend a girl could ask for I know I put you through HELL as a teenager, and the fact that you are still willing to be my best friend just shows how GREAT of a Man you are. I thank you. Jojo, I was a bratty little sister, and in the last few years I know I laid a lot of burden on you that I should of tried to help you with more, but I took time for my self, and I was a little bit self fish. I know that 3 different times in my life you've been the one to be there for me and I Thank You. I love you and I am SO happy to have you as my Brother.
I know there are others that I have wronged and I know the choices that I have made and a lot of them have made me a different person and some days I wonder WHO I AM. But when I take inventory of the friends that I have, The family I'm surrounded with and the Love that I have found I realize that all of those changes, choices were for the better or I might not have whom I have now in my life today.
I am thankful to those friends from my past... I LOVE my friends in the present and I can't wait to enjoy more time with them in the future. It's the Christmas Season, a time for love and family and togetherness. I know that we have all had a crazy year of ups and downs, and you know 2011 brought me some wonderful joy and some deep sorrows, but i do believe that this year had to happen for a reason. To prepare me for the future and what there is to come. I am excited to look forward, to see what time will bring me.. until then.. remember... Don't LIVE in your past, Don't over look your present and NEVER forget to think about your FUTURE... If we didn't need to remember our past.. we wouldn't have the mental capacity too, if we were ment to only think of the right now, we wouldn't have hopes and dreams. <3
Friday I went to pickle for a bit and then went with Luke to see his old friends as the coached wrestling. I'd never been to a wrestling match before that wasn't something that I ever did in high school. So it was fun to watch something new and learn about something I didn't know about. We had dinner after and watched a movie and crashed. It was nice to be able to sleep in. Now that I'm getting up in the mornings now I miss sleeping in.. just a little bit lol.
Saturday I spent some time with Kenya and she did my hair. Then Luke and I went to see A Christmas Carol. I knew the baseline for the story, but it was nice to see it and learn all about what it was that happened. It also is the reason for this blog. (More Later)
And today was just a day of relaxation, silliness, and basically blissful.. despite the loss of all the teams I wanted to win in foot ball today :)
Now, Most people think you should leave the past behind you, live in the present and wait for the future. But if you solely live in the present you will never see past it. For instance when I was a teenager all I thought about was concerts, movies, and fun. I didn't care that I was blowing $25,000 a YEAR on NOTHING. Concert Tshirts, road trips, movies, partying.. I have NOTHING to show for the fact that I have had one or more jobs since I was 16 years old. I lived in the moment. Now as an adult I am able to look at that and realize that .. yes you should live in the moment but you should look forward and NEVER forget your past or you will be doomed to repeat it.
Scrooge was punished for his past bad deeds, shown that karma does catch up to you and told he would have to wear chains in his after life.. I've done bad things, I've been a not nice girl so I would like to take a moment to say a few things: Sy.. You are truly the best friend a girl could ask for I know I put you through HELL as a teenager, and the fact that you are still willing to be my best friend just shows how GREAT of a Man you are. I thank you. Jojo, I was a bratty little sister, and in the last few years I know I laid a lot of burden on you that I should of tried to help you with more, but I took time for my self, and I was a little bit self fish. I know that 3 different times in my life you've been the one to be there for me and I Thank You. I love you and I am SO happy to have you as my Brother.
I know there are others that I have wronged and I know the choices that I have made and a lot of them have made me a different person and some days I wonder WHO I AM. But when I take inventory of the friends that I have, The family I'm surrounded with and the Love that I have found I realize that all of those changes, choices were for the better or I might not have whom I have now in my life today.
I am thankful to those friends from my past... I LOVE my friends in the present and I can't wait to enjoy more time with them in the future. It's the Christmas Season, a time for love and family and togetherness. I know that we have all had a crazy year of ups and downs, and you know 2011 brought me some wonderful joy and some deep sorrows, but i do believe that this year had to happen for a reason. To prepare me for the future and what there is to come. I am excited to look forward, to see what time will bring me.. until then.. remember... Don't LIVE in your past, Don't over look your present and NEVER forget to think about your FUTURE... If we didn't need to remember our past.. we wouldn't have the mental capacity too, if we were ment to only think of the right now, we wouldn't have hopes and dreams. <3
Friday, December 9, 2011
Working 9 to 5
Well i'm not really working 9 to 5 but I am working again thanks to Barry <3 Daylight hours 20 hours a week for a decent wage. I got a B+ in my Capstone class.. so close to that A oh well :) Still waiting on the Math grade, and I graduate on Tuesday.. so weird. Everyone keeps asking me what's next?
Find a job a real job one I can stay at and build from, hopefully something in the CJS field that will help me to get closer to being a probation officer. After that I plan to start being a wife (scary thought) and a Mother. Of course that all hinges on when boyfriend proposes and the whole moving in together thing.. scary.. once again. I like having my own room to retreat to.. *shrug* Plus I worry about Jojo ..
I had weird dreams last night, probably due to my peacan clusters before bed lol I dreamed about my mother, we were trying to get all of her affairs in order and the powers that be sent her back for 2 days to sort everything out, and then poof she was gone, dematerialized right infront of our faces.. it was so .. I don't even know how to describe it. I woke up rested, not sad, not happy, just.. i don't know.
The Sister's (Della, Roni, Tracie) dad had a stroke yesterday so my thoughts are with them and hope a speedy recovery for their father. That also means that our holiday party is postponed until when.. We are adopting a family this year which is exciting! Saturday Luke & I will be going to see a Christmas Carol, I'm excited for that as well, I have to wear a dress tho.. and IDK what kind of shoes to wear with it =/
Well I need to get back to work..
Find a job a real job one I can stay at and build from, hopefully something in the CJS field that will help me to get closer to being a probation officer. After that I plan to start being a wife (scary thought) and a Mother. Of course that all hinges on when boyfriend proposes and the whole moving in together thing.. scary.. once again. I like having my own room to retreat to.. *shrug* Plus I worry about Jojo ..
I had weird dreams last night, probably due to my peacan clusters before bed lol I dreamed about my mother, we were trying to get all of her affairs in order and the powers that be sent her back for 2 days to sort everything out, and then poof she was gone, dematerialized right infront of our faces.. it was so .. I don't even know how to describe it. I woke up rested, not sad, not happy, just.. i don't know.
The Sister's (Della, Roni, Tracie) dad had a stroke yesterday so my thoughts are with them and hope a speedy recovery for their father. That also means that our holiday party is postponed until when.. We are adopting a family this year which is exciting! Saturday Luke & I will be going to see a Christmas Carol, I'm excited for that as well, I have to wear a dress tho.. and IDK what kind of shoes to wear with it =/
Well I need to get back to work..
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Morning..
lot's to get done this week, i've divided it up into little bit each day. Today I shall call my chiro and try to get an appointment. I need to deliver candy to the SPPD, clean up this house before I leave, have some cereal, yes it is important that I start eating 3 or 4 small meals a day then I won't get sick. Next week I'm going to start the elliptical again, mainly because i need to, there is a gym at the office too so one day a week i might just work out there on my lunch and eat at my desk, since that's allowed there. My wonderful father has hired me for 20 hours a week, it's not much but it will pay my rent, utilities and phone and such.
Goals before New Years:
Goals before New Years:
- get in the habit of working out in some way 3 times a week
- drink 64oz of water a day.
- cut up all but 3 credit cards
- pay off all medical bills
- cut soda down to 7 cans a week (in any way I want)
I eventually want to stop drinking soda all together but with it being around me so much it will be a battle. Both Luke & Jojo drink it like it's water. Alright It's time to get moving it's 9am, breakfast while I pick up the living room, then hit up the last of the dishes after i have my cereal, then I'm going to sort the candy and head out for deliveries.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
New beginnings..
2012 is quickly approaching and I guess It's time to blog again. I go through spurts where I blog, then I don't. People read this some people won't. The one thing that people should know is that when I blog I blog. There is harsh truths, there is no mute button. I don't edit my self I just write.
I was laying on my couch today and reading a book. It's weird because I picked up the series when i learned the author had died. It wasn't my favorite author or even one i had met but something about that news drove me to read her works again. I'm only on book 3 but this series just reminds me that every little tiny thing that we do... is a choice. To wake up on time, what to wear, to brush our teeth, do our hair. Which path to take to work, what to say to someone who has hurt you, what not to say to not hurt someone. I know we aren't supposed to look back and we don't want to dwell on things that we cannot change, however I do feel that we need to know where we came from, to know where we are going.
I can't change the fact that my mother didn't want me, I can't change the fact that my father (who ever he might be) didn't want me either. Oddly enough as much as I have wanted kids that was the only thing that kept me from getting pregnant was the fact that I wanted my child to be wanted by BOTH of his/her parents. My mother made a choice to have me.. what would the world be like without me? Would there have been another child after me? or would Jojo be alone right now. The thought that I couldn't have been there for him hurts my heart. My brother and I have always had our differences, hell we are polar opposites in almost every way! But when I truly needed him, he's always been there. We just spent 5 days in Florida together and I will never ever forget those days. They meant the world to me, I love my brother with all my heart, and as he is the only blood family that I have here with me, that talks to me that knows whats going on in my world.. he is the one that I most care for. I would be lost without him.
Most people think when you loose a parent that your heart aches for them. I will say at times mine does, sometimes I just wish I could call my mom and say Mommy, i'm having a bad day, and cry and tell her about it. I still often go to call her at 430 like I did every day for a year on my way to where ever after work. It hurts my heart to know that my children will never know their maternal grand parents.. just as I don't really know mine. At my mothers service I learned that she was a great woman, people came from all parts of her life to pay tribute to her. People came across the country to talk about her and celebrate her, I learned so much about my mother that day that I had never known. Why is it that is always the case?
I've had a pretty fucked up year, I've lost my mother, my job, some of my independence, the little bit of motivation I had for things.. all gone. I wish like hell that I knew how to get it back. I know that I've still accomplished many things, yet I can't help but look at the failures as well.
I will graduate with my bachelors degree in a few short days, the realization that my mother, my grandmother and my aunt all passed away just before one of their children obtained degrees saddens me. My mom had to go to graduation without her mother, my cousin Akua did the same , and now 6 years later I am following in their footsteps. I am grateful that I am graduating and I am glad my mother isn't suffering but there are so many things that I have come to realize that I am going to miss my mom at. We didn't always get a long but I am sad my mom isn't here to see me graduate, to see me finally fall in love, she won't get to meet her grand children see one of her children get married.. so many things that I never thought about. I guess when I don't have work and school to focus so much on i get to reflect on things.
I have to say that I have a good life right now, it's not perfect but I have family (Jojo, Kenya, Barry, Alex, Kathleen) that are here for me, that love me and support me. I have Luke, a man who has everything I've ever wanted and all of the things I never dreamed to ask for. I love him so much and I can't wait to make him part of my family. I am fairly healthy, some of my own personal choices have held me back from reaching my health goals but I feel that is soon to change. I have a place to live, thanks to Jojo, I have food in my refrigerator, and I have clothes to put on my back. I am blessed with all the things one needs in life, thus I really shouldn't complain.
But today.. with thoughts of my mother... I am sad.
I was laying on my couch today and reading a book. It's weird because I picked up the series when i learned the author had died. It wasn't my favorite author or even one i had met but something about that news drove me to read her works again. I'm only on book 3 but this series just reminds me that every little tiny thing that we do... is a choice. To wake up on time, what to wear, to brush our teeth, do our hair. Which path to take to work, what to say to someone who has hurt you, what not to say to not hurt someone. I know we aren't supposed to look back and we don't want to dwell on things that we cannot change, however I do feel that we need to know where we came from, to know where we are going.
I can't change the fact that my mother didn't want me, I can't change the fact that my father (who ever he might be) didn't want me either. Oddly enough as much as I have wanted kids that was the only thing that kept me from getting pregnant was the fact that I wanted my child to be wanted by BOTH of his/her parents. My mother made a choice to have me.. what would the world be like without me? Would there have been another child after me? or would Jojo be alone right now. The thought that I couldn't have been there for him hurts my heart. My brother and I have always had our differences, hell we are polar opposites in almost every way! But when I truly needed him, he's always been there. We just spent 5 days in Florida together and I will never ever forget those days. They meant the world to me, I love my brother with all my heart, and as he is the only blood family that I have here with me, that talks to me that knows whats going on in my world.. he is the one that I most care for. I would be lost without him.
Most people think when you loose a parent that your heart aches for them. I will say at times mine does, sometimes I just wish I could call my mom and say Mommy, i'm having a bad day, and cry and tell her about it. I still often go to call her at 430 like I did every day for a year on my way to where ever after work. It hurts my heart to know that my children will never know their maternal grand parents.. just as I don't really know mine. At my mothers service I learned that she was a great woman, people came from all parts of her life to pay tribute to her. People came across the country to talk about her and celebrate her, I learned so much about my mother that day that I had never known. Why is it that is always the case?
I've had a pretty fucked up year, I've lost my mother, my job, some of my independence, the little bit of motivation I had for things.. all gone. I wish like hell that I knew how to get it back. I know that I've still accomplished many things, yet I can't help but look at the failures as well.
I will graduate with my bachelors degree in a few short days, the realization that my mother, my grandmother and my aunt all passed away just before one of their children obtained degrees saddens me. My mom had to go to graduation without her mother, my cousin Akua did the same , and now 6 years later I am following in their footsteps. I am grateful that I am graduating and I am glad my mother isn't suffering but there are so many things that I have come to realize that I am going to miss my mom at. We didn't always get a long but I am sad my mom isn't here to see me graduate, to see me finally fall in love, she won't get to meet her grand children see one of her children get married.. so many things that I never thought about. I guess when I don't have work and school to focus so much on i get to reflect on things.
I have to say that I have a good life right now, it's not perfect but I have family (Jojo, Kenya, Barry, Alex, Kathleen) that are here for me, that love me and support me. I have Luke, a man who has everything I've ever wanted and all of the things I never dreamed to ask for. I love him so much and I can't wait to make him part of my family. I am fairly healthy, some of my own personal choices have held me back from reaching my health goals but I feel that is soon to change. I have a place to live, thanks to Jojo, I have food in my refrigerator, and I have clothes to put on my back. I am blessed with all the things one needs in life, thus I really shouldn't complain.
But today.. with thoughts of my mother... I am sad.
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