where have I been

Well I don't know when the last time I posted was... Nothing has changed.
Still fat.
Defeated.
unemployed.
When all I'm feeling is balh.. sometimes I just don't want to talka bout it.
However...
I'm still in love.
Our house is almost fix(pretty sure i didin't post about the house flooding a week in a hotel and two + weeks of construction) we have usable kitchen again now.
My PartyGals business is picking up.
I've been riding a bike.. a real one..
I'm alive.

7 months

Today is 7 months with Luke. It's been a wonderful 7 months. I wish that I was happier all around, because it would make these feelings all the better. It's really hard for me right now to be not working. I mean I know I'm working for my dad, which is great, but he realy doesn't need me here, he doesn't need the added expense of me being here. So I feel like a mooch, I'm living with Luke, but paying the bills at the Castle, I feel like a mooch.
Some mornings I wake up and I just don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep and disappear. Iwent to the dr friday and got my blood crawn for my thyroid test, and now I wait. I wish it would say there was something wrong with it, but there won't be. I'm just fat, weak minded and lazy. I hate feeling this way, andy i don't even know who to talk to about it. I can'ts ay anything to Luke cause he hates it when i bad mouth my self but i can't help how I feel. I'm so incredibly lost right now.. I don't even know what todo

Blogging

So I have tried to blog a few times lately and blogger was not allowing me to do so.
Oye.
I don't even know what my last post was about... *takes a look*
Ah yes.. Mopy me was having a fat moment. I am still not feeling the best about it but I'm trying. I think a lot of it is my lack of a schedule, I need a damn job. If that would get on track other things would too.
That being said my dr wants me on 1200 calories a day.. i tried and failed bad, I just can't keep that low. I've started this week at 1800 and it's actually not so bad. Mornings are a little hard because I can't have my eggs so I don't stay full as long as I was, but my pocket book is heavy because i'm not spending 4$ a day on breakfast at thrivent. I bought a blender and I've been making smoothies.. they only keep me full for about 2 hours, eevn with the 20g of protein in the protein powder, i'm thinking about trying one without and seeing if it's helping at all.
I'm trying my best not to weigh in until monday, so that I *KNOW* if this is working or not. I've been slacking on the gym time this week, but i'm just lacking motivation. But I haven't had a drink all week *ya* going to try and limit it to a drink or 2 on friday's and saturday.
I'm taking my camera in today to see what the damage is.. the mirrior broke on it, and I need an estimate to turn into my insurance guy.

I just bought my self LMFAO tickets and I'm quite excited about it! The show is on May 25th so Happy Birthday to ME! :)

I still am head over heels in love with Luke.
I'm pretty much living there now.
I'm getting VERY hungry.. so It's time for lunch
1 baked chicken breast
1 cup romane lettuce
1/4 motz cheese
3 tablspoons of ceasar dressing...

calories to count later

<3

word of the day is fat.

I am Fat. I can't stop being fat. No matter what I do I'm fat. It's hard to change, to stop eating, to go to the gym when after 5 days there is still NO change in my weight, not even a lb to give me incentive...totally discouraged right now.
I feel.. lost.. and stupid.. and frustrated.. and empty.

6 months :)

6 months of happiness was yesterday, I had posted on FB it was 6 months of Love, he kinly reminded me it wasn't until the 1st month we said I love you.. so difficult he can be. I saw Star Wars and One for the Money this weekend, both good. I had some very yummy Cold Stone Ice Cream Cake.. see how it's all caps like that because all of those are important words.. SO YUMMY. How I missed sugar! Even 2 weeks laying low on it made it feel weird to eat it again.
So I'm going to attempt 7 days of working out this week.. Hopefully I manage this, if I can kick start it maybe I can stick to it. *crosses fingers*  So this whole no sugar thing is pretty impossible since there is sugar in everything, even milk has sugar in it! SO i'm just going to stick to no candy, Desserts on weekends and try to not drink during the week any more,.
I have an Interview on Wednesday for this skip tracer position. I really want a non office job, but what ever if I can get them to pay me 11/12 an hour then it will be worth it. But I need a job and soon. I can't think about wedding's and kids and houses until I have a stable job. Plus I can't enjoy my tax return if I don't have steady $$ lol

Weekend Recap

So I guess I've become a monday blogger, i should really work on it lol
Well I went to weight watchers and signed up on thursday, have I been following it..no. But I did read everything, I pay attention to what I'm eating. I might even sit here and count points on my breakfast. I bring it up because when I got there and i weighed in I almost cried (waitied til i got in my car) I saw a number i thought I would never ever see again. After that i started to pay attention to sugar grams and by saturday i was down almost 4 lbs. This new discovery leads me to believe that in fact I am insilin resistant, but we'll see what the scale says thursday. I can't really afford to keep going to the weekly meetings but I'm still going to try and pay attention.  I also went to the gym for 40 min yesterday. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow, and wednesday thursday I'll get to dance class again then a weekend of fun! :)
Had a great PartyGals party on saturday with Alyssa and the Girls. Made some more t-shirts and holiday panties. Organized all of my crafts at Luke's and bought a new ww scale (which is what told me i lost weight). Next weekend I am doing a bra fit event at fashion bug (the only non anniversary v-day thing I will be doing all weekend) Hopefully I get some good leads out of it. I need to mail out some catalogs tomorrow and do some PartyGal work.
Still need a full time job, still need to work out more. I did how ever make a healthy lunch of chicken ceasar salad for lunch today, with portioned out cheese lol :)

Weekend Worries

The weekend has come and gone again. I hate how long it takes for it to be the weekend, and how quickly it's over. I had a fairly good weekend. Luke and I took turns cooking, we cleaned a bit. I had a partygals party. We saw his family for a bit. Jojo and I talked about nothing for a while. I saw underworld Awaking (which was really good) and i watched 3/4 of Abduction lol which is good.
I need to start working out i feel huge, nothing fits right. I will start my new monly goal on wednesday of no candy. I think it's going to be harder than no soda has been. I also need to stop snacking before bed. Those will be my February goals.  I'm going to breakfast with Jojo tomorrow and then I'm going to work out i'm going to try and get a whole hour in, do some weights too.
I really need a full time job so my life can get back on a schedule...
That's all I really have. Fairly boring.. I know... But it is what it is..

What a Wednesday :(

So I finally talked to Jojo about moving in with Luke.. he was not thrilled.. i really hope this doesn't start another month long silence :( It hurts when he doesn't talk to me. He's the only blood family I have left, I know I don't always make the choices he wishes me to make, but I make them. So that started my morning in tears, I found out I didn't get any of the Anoka jobs,  then I tried to cook dinner for Luke and that didn't work out as planned either, and my button popped off my favorite pants :(

I'm feeling very down today, it was SO hard to get out of bed, not only cause Luke was there but I just didin't want to get up, I didn't want to come to work, I don't want to go interview later and I don't want to go to dance. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. I did however get out of bed, I did come to work, Andrew made me a baby pancake for breakfast and  it was okay.

I have been talking to Philly (Patricia) and it seems like she and I are in the same boat, and my dr mentioned that she thought I might be insulin resistant and she actually is (thanks to her actually GOING to a dr)  i am going to be cutting out a lot of sugars in my diet and see how I do.  So I apologize in advance if I start to be a bitch over the next few weeks. Starting Feb 1st cutting back the candy I know me well enough to know I can't get rid of everything at once, so candy, I've already switched to foyo instead of ice cream (except cold stone).

So many changes to be made.. so little time...

Choices...

It's been a few days, the down side to the security job, no internet access. Well that's ONE down side, paying for parking, crappy boss, low pay and currently no hours because of the crappy boss. Why can't I just find a good job, steady hours decent pay. I'm not asking for 30$ an hour but damn..
I'm feeling really discouraged right now and yesterday I did the walking tour so for 2 hours I just let my mind wander. I never thought I'd say this but I want to be married.. I want to Marry Luke. Not just anyone.. just him. We had a rough week but I think it needed to happen, too many things left unsaid and now that they are said things are great. I can't imagine my life without him now. I laugh at my self because i always made fun of my friends when they jumped in a relationship and thought it was just the one. I now know what they meant, how they felt. I just hope that all of this is my good karma coming back to me.
It's been a rough few months with everything but him. I need a job, I need to loose weight. I know I say it all the time I just lack follow through. I feel deep down in my soul that i need stability to loose weight. When I had a job, and was working a normal schedule I worked out all the time and lost weight. It's the not knowing, the random acts of food cravings, the crying that really sucks. I need a job for stability, I don't feel like my self when I'm not working. Working for the past week has felt good and now that I'm done training.. it's like back to the drawing board, and it sucks.
I need to go to bed, I will write more tomorrow....

holy busy batman!

I haven't been on a computer much this week.. stupid work. And blogging from a phone, not so easy so let's recap.
Monday i was an idiot, cause a fight with Luke. Tuesday we made up ;)
I have been traning at Thrivent all week, and I have to say I really don't like it.. I just keep hoping that Anoka County calls me back soon.. i NEED a job that will pay the bills, and this one wont.
I've fille dout 10 applications this week, testing wednesday for dispatcher with Anoka County, apparently Anoka likes me a little but I need them to LIke me ALOT so I can get a job, or hear back from Osseo that would be good too!
I'm nervous I need to talk to Jojo about moving out, and I feel bad because I don't want him to feel abandoned, and I worry he won't find someone to move in with him and I don't want him to be a old man with cats. I know I shouldn't worry so much but i do.. in a month is will  be a year since mommy passed away :( And that could be rough for him too.. I don't know.. excuses.. maybe I'm just scared to live with a man, who knows!

So I've been sucking at this eating/working out thing. I have been making my breakfasts, and sticking to a decent lunch.. it's dinner where i fall apart. I don't even know what to do.. i'm SO hungry at night :(
This week has just been busy had to take alex to school and from school, work, dance,  oye good thing I'm done with school! Well now that I can't figure out what else I was going to write about.. I'm done

Friday the 13th!

I LOVE Friday the 13th! I look forward to it when ever one happens to take place! Today I interview with Anoka County's Human Services division. I'm kinda excited about it but don't want to get my hopes up! At least they are interviewing me. Robbinsdale rejected me :( Sad Face.
Went to dance last night which felt good, I'm going to work out on Monday for sure, and maybe wednesday after work since I'll be staying at Luke's after that then Thursday night is dance, and that will make 3 work outs in a week! Gotta just keep the momentum going!
I am excited to have a prty gals party this weekend! And I have one for the first weekend in February too! Now if only I could book 2 a month I'd be good! That's my goal, two a month..
I really don't have anything earth breaking today so i shall say good bye :)

5 months.

Five months has felt like forever. I never thought I would find the one, the one that makes me smile, laugh, cry. The one who understands me, comforts me, likes all the crazy weird things about me. I love him with all my heart, I am so glad i was able to find him <3 Luke


Good Night

They Call Me Fat...

So I've been reading two blogs a lot lately..  LapBandGal and blackgirlsguidetoweightloss both of them have given me more inspiration the last few days. The Lap Band one offers support, ideas and a place to see I'm not alone with the struggles that I face with my LapBand. The other is full of articles, and recipes and other stories that are all about health, and wellness but not from a doctors perspective but from someone else who has done what I'm trying to do. Some would say that if she wasn't black I wouldn't read it, but I don't think that's true. I like her because she's real, and honest, blunt but that she offers knowledge not just opinion she gives facts as well. She backs up what she has to say with the truth and THAT is something that I can stand behind.
So todays blog is on my thoughts in my head the last couple of days. I finally made it to the gym yesterday and i admit it felt pretty good, so much that I might just go today (depending on the weather and CPR) although I'm not sure what work out clothes I have with me, I'm sure I can make something work. I got on the scale last night and I'm down 3 more lbs to 289. I'm sad that I let my self gain back some of that weight but I'm down 6lbs since the start of the new year, that has to be good right? I was almost back to 300 a place I swore I would never be again. I was in therapy for a while and maybe I need to go back but for now (no insurance) I don't foresee that happening for a while.  But while I was in therapy I realized where my problems with food started. I'm not blaming my mother, but I do know that her actions enabled my actions and I am the one who has to live with my choices and I'm the only one that can change my situation.
When I was younger my mom used to tell me I was fat, but the way she did it made me NOT want to do anything about it. I would ask her for lunch money, she would say no, I could stand to skip a meal. Years of being denied food, made me a food hoarder. I would eat all the food I could when offered because until i could pay for my own food I had no control on if we would have groceries or not. Or I would have to dig in the couch for change to go buy a can of ravioli (all you can really buy for $1.25 at the corner store). I knew I was heavy, and getting on the birth control shot added to that even more so. But someone constantly nagging at me, and calling me fat, and putting me down didn't make me want to loose weight it did the opposite, I just ate my feelings. Didn't help that classmates called me names too but when i looked for support, I looked to my family and they did just the same, it sure didn't help things. I Know that *I* made the choice to eat *I* made the choice to not work out *I* made the choices that kept my weight up and *I* have to accept that but it still hurts to realize that I didn't have support. It wasn't until i got on a scale at a yearly physical and I was 301 that I was like $!!!!. Then i started trying to loose weight.I worked out daily, and still wasn't loosing weight because my food habits were so bad, so I joined WW and then i dropped 100 lbs.. obviously I gained that back and then some, and Now i am back on the loosing path since having surgery.
I look back at pictures ( I'm only down 70 lbs) and I'm like WHY didn't anyone tell me I looked like that? But you're right the way someone tells you or brings it up is the only way you will ever accept it. It has to be the right time moment and person. Obviously my mom was not the right person.. but I  often wish my sister, my brother, my close friends would have said something to me sooner.
That being said, I'm glad I do have the support system I have now, My Loving Luke who measures food with me, who measures what he uses when he cooks for me, who gives me a look when i reach for something i shouldn't have. My sister who is always there when I need to talk, Patricia who is my long distance weight loss buddy, Gina who is always there to offer support and to talk when I need her. Joele who never judges and adores me just the way I am. And Jessica, who listens to me rant and blab for hours even tho we haven't met yet :) I Am thankful to have you guys in my life right now <3
6 lbs in 11 days.. means that I can do this, I just need to stick to the plan, drink my water measure my food, and hit the gym. I have Dance tomorrow so even if I don't work out tonight I have that. Monday since I'm off work I'm going to go to the gym too, next week I am aiming for 3 work outs.. one at home, one at the gym and dance class.
I know I had something else I was going to write about, but now I have forgotten...

Liquids Weekend

I think this is the best I've ever done on a liquid diet since originally having surgery. And I have my loving boyfriend to thank! He was so patient and kind and supportive to me this weekend. I have no idea if i've lost more weight or not, but I weigh in on wednesday.

This weekend we (well HE) Made some shelves for all of our legos and my piggies to go on (the first of many shelves). I put together my Queen Anne's Revenge Legos Ship

I also spent some time with Luke's family we all had lunch on Saturday. Then his mother and I went shopping and to visit his grandparents. Luke decided I needed to see all of the Star Wars Movies so I watched the other three this weekend. Amazing how much more sense things make now :) I also go stuff to frame/Mat my puzzles that I have been gluing! I framed the Pirates flag, I'll have to post a picture after we get that hung up, well after he hangs it up :) I don't make holes in walls!

I have an interview on Friday, and I'm a little nervous about it! It would be great to get the job for sure, pays great, closer to Luke's house for when we move in together. It's a government job, steady hours, all that good stuff. I think i need to find a full time consistant job to get me back on track honestly. I think that will help me to maintain healthy habits, being consistant about time and place.

This weeks goal is to get to the gym tuesday morning. Then I'll have dance on thursday and then maybe after my interview friday I'll go to the gym too..

Well here's to a good week!

I feel..WEAK.

Recently I have rebegun my journey with weight loss. I feel that since I am happier in life, I should be more successful with this, but this is one area in my life that I truly feel WEAK. I lack self control lately, and not just with food just in life. I am supposed to be on a liquid diet today and saturday and sunday only soft solids.. mushy foods.. apple sauce, mashed potatoes, cream based soups.. i have to check if I can eat eggs.. But it's ALWAYS so hard to get through this part of the process.
I feel like I've lost control of my self, the one thing that I always had control over, I now don't and I don't like this feeling. It feels like last year made me spin out of control and I don't know what to do to regain control.
Like i used to work out all the time, i usually go in waves but i w as working out 4-5 days a week for a while and feeling great but now all I can seem to do is give my self excuses but I really don't have any good ones left.
I'm debating using weigh watches as a tool to help me narrow down what I'm eating, but I really need food ideas, I need recipies, I need to cook, and hell I need a full time job.
My brain is fuzzy from lack of food right now.. so for now I shall end this..

Sadness...

So I sat on my couch and watched tv all night. When i decided it was time to go to bed I just had this intense feeling of sadness, self doubt and insecurity..I have no idea where it came from, and i'm trying really hard to not let it stay.. but it's not easy... going to try and go to bed, maybe in my dreams it will all make sense

New Years and a Fresh Start

Well this is my first blog post of the new year. It is also day #3 of me not drinking Soda, it's day #3 of less sodium (i'm going to miss popcorn), and day three of the rest of my life :)
Almost two years ago I had weight loss surgery, and I haven't been working it the way I should. I've had many excuses that I have used, but it's a new year and no more excuses. I'm not really making resolutions for this year, because let's face it, who actually does what they "plan" maybe they do for the first month, some make it a week. I want to make it the whole year. So I am making monthly goals for every month. January's Goals are:
 1. No more soda
2. Work out twice a week.

Now Most people would say why only work out two times a week. But it's a MONTHLY goal, there for I can start getting into a routine of twice a week, once should be easy, thursday night dance class. The other day is going to be pure determination; at least at first. I am going to try and get on my eliptical before I go to bed tonight, but I can't make any real promises on that. I've installed the spark people ap again, and I'm going to try and keep track of what I'm eating and if I manage to loose some weight this week. I'm supposed to go in on thursday for a fill. Part of me wants to do this, the other part of me doesn't. I realized the last 2 days of not snacking that I don't get full any more. 2 eggs and a peice of sasuage should completely fill me up, and it's not so i should go and get a fill. But I will say that I have enjoyed the last 2 weeks of belly freedom. But it is time to actually get this done. I know I've gained in the past two weeks, but now It's time to crack down and get it done.

Now that the business is out of the way .. NYE was a good time. It was nice to stay in and be comfortable. I don't miss going out and getting drunk like I thought I would. Jojo, Luke, Sy & Shawna and I went out to eat at Ikes in down town and MAN was that a GOOD burger! And then we had some adult ice cream which was VERY yummy. Back at the Ice Castle we had some punch, cupcakes (by Shawna) and played trivial pursuit and apples to apples :) It was fun. Jon showed up, hadn't seen him in over a year. It was good to see him again.

I got a kiss at midnight from my Love Luke <3 and then went to bed fairly early. I think we were sleep before 3am. Sunday we went to MOA to get LEGOS and then had brunch with Luke's family. Waffles are SO yummy, yet another thing I will miss. I wonder if I can get Luke to go to Hell's Kitchen soon... hmm

What else has been happening, I got my IUD on thursday and by sunday I felt normal! No cramping so far. Although the insertion, was not very pleasant! They say that the feeling that i experinced was like child birth, well the beginning of it when the cervix dialates and such.. MY GOD. I think everyone should have an iud, then they would know WHY it's important to not have babies so young lol I think this experience would have pushed me away from wanting kids early in life, although I no longer regret not having kids at a younger age. I'm very happy as I am right now.

I start training tomorrow to become a security guard.. hopefully can start there before the end of the month. as for now.. back to work :)