New beginnings..

2012 is quickly approaching and I guess It's time to blog again. I go through spurts where I blog, then I don't. People read this some people won't. The one thing that people should know is that when I blog I blog. There is harsh truths, there is no mute button. I don't edit my self I just write.
I was laying on my couch today and reading a book. It's weird because I picked up the series when i learned the author had died. It wasn't my favorite author or even one i had met but something about that news drove me to read her works again. I'm only on book 3 but this series just reminds me that every little tiny thing that we do... is a choice. To wake up on time, what to wear, to brush our teeth, do our hair. Which path to take to work, what to say to someone who has hurt you, what not to say to not hurt someone. I know we aren't supposed to look back and we don't want to dwell on things that we cannot change, however I do feel that we need to know where we came from, to know where we are going.
I can't change the fact that my mother didn't want me, I can't change the fact that my father (who ever he might be) didn't want me either. Oddly enough as much as I have wanted kids that was the only thing that kept me from getting pregnant was the fact that I wanted my child to be wanted by BOTH of his/her parents. My mother made a choice to have me.. what would the world be like without me? Would there have been another child after me? or would Jojo be alone right now. The thought that I couldn't have been there for him hurts my heart. My brother and I have always had our differences, hell we are polar opposites in almost every way! But when I truly needed him, he's always been there. We just spent 5 days in Florida together and I will never ever forget those days. They meant the world to me, I love my brother with all my heart, and as he is the only blood family that I have here with me, that talks to me that knows whats going on in my world.. he is the one that I most care for. I would be lost without him.
 Most people think when you loose a parent that your heart aches for them. I will say at times mine does, sometimes I just wish I could call my mom and say Mommy, i'm having a bad day, and cry and tell her about it. I still often go to call her at 430 like I did every day for a year on my way to where ever after work. It hurts my heart to know that my children will never know their maternal grand parents.. just as I don't really know mine. At my mothers service I learned that she was a great woman, people came from all parts of her life to pay tribute to her. People came across the country to talk about her and celebrate her, I learned so much about my mother that day that I had never known. Why is it that is always the case?
I've had a pretty fucked up year, I've lost my mother, my job, some of my independence, the little bit of motivation I had for things.. all gone. I wish like hell that I knew how to get it back. I know that I've still accomplished many things, yet I can't help but look at the failures as well.
I will graduate with my bachelors degree in a few short days, the realization that my mother, my grandmother and my aunt all passed away just before one of their children obtained degrees saddens me. My mom had to go to graduation without her mother, my cousin Akua did the same , and now 6 years later I am following in their footsteps. I am grateful that I am graduating and I am glad my mother isn't suffering but there are so many things that I have come to realize that I am going to miss my mom at. We didn't always get a long but I am sad my mom isn't here to see me graduate, to see me finally fall in love, she won't get to meet her grand children see one of her children get married.. so many things that I never thought about. I guess when I don't have work and school to focus so much on i get to reflect on things.
I have to say that I have a good life right now, it's not perfect but I have family (Jojo, Kenya, Barry, Alex, Kathleen) that are here for me, that love me and support me. I have Luke, a man who has everything I've ever wanted and all of the things I never dreamed to ask for.  I love him so much and I can't wait to make him part of my family. I am fairly healthy, some of my own personal choices have held me back from reaching my health goals but I feel that is soon to change. I have a place to live, thanks to Jojo, I have food in my refrigerator, and I have clothes to put on my back. I am blessed with all the things one needs in life, thus I really shouldn't complain.
But today.. with thoughts of my mother... I am sad.